7 Years Later, The Air Still Thickens
by Jonathan Fields | 09/11/08
We all express our thoughts, emotions, hopes and fears in different ways.
Some through spoken or written word, some through clay or paint, others through song, dance or, even, exercise. Sometimes we keep these expressions to ourselves, other times we give them life and open our hearts to those who would listen.
When I feel, I write.
Not for the world, not for my friends, just for me. Occasionally, though, I share these expressions with others. So it was, the Summer of 1999 when I awoke to what, then, seemed a huge human tragedy—the downing of JFK, Jr.’s plane. I sat on the couch and I did what I do. I wrote.
But, instead of keeping it to myself, as I’d always done before…
I felt out loud…
First, with those closest to me, and, eventually, to any who chose to read. I posted publicly, then e-mailed it to everyone I knew. When, for the first time, I shared my writing, I opened a little piece of my soul. I took a chance at being judged and an amazing thing happened…
My life became a far richer place.
My sister read my thoughts and called me crying. She said, for the first time, she began to truly understand why I live my life embracing today and taking risks. Friends, clients and family members began to open their hearts. The love, the emotion, the tenderness; the bonds that came back to me upon this act added more to my life than any single word I had written before.
To this day, though, I have not been able to write much about what happened 7 years ago in NYC.
I guess, part of me is still there.
Three days after the event, I stood, a volunteer, by chance, in an army reserve unit, not more than 10 feet from what the workers called “The Pile.” The air was so thick you could barely breath and your eyes burned and streamed tears in a futile attempt to flush the toxic soup that caked them.
Somewhere inside, a friend, the father of two young boys, lay buried.
A few hours in, an alarm sounded. We didn’t know why. But, everyone began to run for their lives. In every direction, away from the pile. So, I ran, too, panting and wheezing through my mask to get enough oxygen to keep up the pace.
Settling into an area that seemed far enough to be safe, I searched for my buddy, who’d been helping distribute masks and goggles. Finding him, I asked what had happened and he said they thought one of the remaining building might collapse onto The Pile, too.
So, we both made a choice.
With my 3-month old daughter at home and his wife 6 months pregnant, we retreated to safety. We decided to serve another way. We were not willing to risk our lives and the chance for our kids to have dads by going back in. To this day, I am amazed, awed and eternally grateful to those who did just that.
And, on days like today, I have to admit…I can still smell the ashes.
While time begins to heal, it is not time enough. I don’t know if it ever will be. I watched footage of the dreadful day on the fifth anniversary and, in it, the filmmaker said, “it’s five years later and, on the outside, it looks like life has just moved on. But, scratch the surface of anyone who was here that day and it’s still right there, just below.”
So, I begin, now to do what I do. I write. And, yet again, I share. Not with the hope of stirring emotion, but simply to let those who read it know…
I, too, feel, I, too, miss…and I, too, will carry on.
In the weeks that followed 9-11, mixed into the unrelenting heaviness was a sense of unity and compassion that I had never before experienced among so many that had, a few days prior, lived largely to the exclusion of those around them.
As the pain of that day faded, so too did much of the acknowledgment that every other person in this city is, in fact, my brother, my sister, my mother. And, while I wish 9-11 never happened, with an odd sense of shame, I miss the tightly-woven fabric of compassion, non-judgment and respect for others that blanketed and defined the 6-months that followed.
It, too, seems to have drifted.
Emerson said:
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success.”
Let’s all succeed, together, in becoming a community defined by kindness…
One that values, as riches, the depth and integrity of the bonds we create between each other. In doing so, we bring each other alive and serve tribute to those who no longer can.
Open your heart today and share your thoughts by writing a few words in your own journal, in the comments below, on your blog or wherever you share online. Call a friend to tell them you love them, forgive an old grudge that has created space that need not exist.
However you can tap your ability to express emotion and connection, do it now.
Goethe reminds us:
“Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
With love,
Jonathan
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below…
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Please do NOT enter a keyword phrase, business, product or service name as your name in the comment section. Doing so will get your comment labeled as spam and deleted. You MAY, however, use a real-person's name/nickname/handle, along with a brief identifying phrase, like "Jonathan Fields, Career Renegade."
September 11th, 2008 | 9:11 am
[...] just read this and really have no words to express how I feel. My heart goes out to everyone who was touched by [...]
September 11th, 2008 | 9:29 am
[...] Go to the author’s original blog: 7 Years Later, The Air Still Thickens [...]
September 11th, 2008 | 10:08 am
Jon,
You write so well (and touch so many). Don’t ever stop writing.
Deb
September 11th, 2008 | 11:38 am
I hope you don’t mind a bit of advice from a reader… you could express your ideas so much better if you would just relax a bit. Stop worrying about sounding so spiritual and intelligent on here and just write how you feel. It doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t need to make you look super insightful. Just let go a bit.
September 11th, 2008 | 2:02 pm
Very nicely said Jonathan. You spoke to our hearts and a verbal response seems insufficient. I think it’s best left at thank you from the heart.
September 11th, 2008 | 3:17 pm
Thanks for a great post.
You inspired me to post about my own memories from 9/11. One thinks that memories of such a dreadful day would never fade, but I found myself remembering things while I was writing and having to go back and edit what I had already finished. Thank you for prompting me to do this before any of those words were lost forever within me.
September 11th, 2008 | 3:20 pm
[...] 7 Years Later, The Air Still Thickens - Jonathan Fields [...]
September 11th, 2008 | 6:46 pm
I love this. Thank you for writing this piece or “peace”. I feel like I’m back in yoga class, listening to your inspirational stories before we begin. Let’s all strive to unite and work as one world. - V
September 11th, 2008 | 10:29 pm
Thank you for telling the world that you left. People need to hear that. We’re surrounded by stories of heroism, and people need to be reminded that heroism isn’t just the snippets of video they show on CNN.
It’s easy for any discussion about the events on 9/11 to turn into “I was doing this” and “Oh YEAH, well I was doing THIS!” so I’ll try to spare you the boring details. But I had a (sort of) similar experience.
I was in Toronto, near the airport, and a lot of people were stuck at Pearson. Nobody knew when they’d be able to leave and for tourists, there was nowhere to go anyway. I had about a hundred bucks to my name, and I thought I could go and buy bread and stuff and bring sandwiches. I was all set to go and then thought, “Wait a minute. If I was a terrorist, and I was bombing airplanes, what would I bomb next?” And I realized that a major international airport was probably one of the riskiest places to be.
I was single, pregnant, and the mother of a two year old. I realized that I couldn’t orphan my kid bringing peanut butter sandwiches to the airport. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
So thank you. I’ve felt guilty about that ever since it happened, and I feel a little better now.
September 11th, 2008 | 11:19 pm
Jonathan,
I remember very clearly being in the Personal Training Studio I owned that day, alone, on the treadmill watching the towers fall, breaking down and crying and crying, wondering “is this really happening?” and asking “what was happening?”. The image that I think of often is how many people - no matter their age, ability, medical condition - climbed out of trains into dark subway cars, ran blocks, carried friends, and walked miles to get home. I was thinking that many of those people probably thought that they were too sick, too old, or to frail to exercise…but they were able to accomplish a physical feat that day.
I posed a question in a workshop on wellness that I was giving today - Can you do it if your life depended on it? The answer we learned on 9/11 was
Yes, you can! and my response (in relation to taking care of yourself) - And, it does! Don’t underestimate the strength of the human body powered by the strength of the human spirit.
In memory of the lives lost,those who worked so hard to save them, and those who are rebuilding the greatest city in the world.
September 13th, 2008 | 9:17 am
September 11th was a horrible day, although I was relatively young at the time and don’t remember how I felt. I didn’t know anybody who died, although residing in Maryland, I was somewhat close to the attack.
September 13th, 2008 | 9:36 am
Thanks for a beautiful and touching post. I enjoy reading someone who has “been there” in many senses of the phrase. Your soul shines through your writing.
September 13th, 2008 | 9:22 pm
Hey everyone,
Thanks so much for your kind words and for sharing your thoughts.
And, yeah, Naomi, deciding whether to go back in or bail was a tough call. There was really no right or wrong answer, only what we felt we needed to do at the time. Life’s not always easy, black and white. And, balancing self interest and service, when your life is potentially on the line is just a tough thing to explore.
Like my daughter says when we watched the divers compete in the Olympics, “he did his best.” S’all you can ask.
September 14th, 2008 | 7:27 pm
Thank you for such a touching post, Jonathan. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for New Yorkers on 9/11, but I can tell you down here in Australia at the bottom of the world we were sharing your pain and horror, and rooting for your great city to rise up through it all.
As for your decision, you did the right thing. Your daughter and wife needed you, and there are many ways to be a hero in life.
You’ve got me all choked up now.
Kelly
September 19th, 2008 | 6:12 am
[...] 7 Years Later, The Air Still Thickens [...]